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[ Poe's eyes were fixed on the ground, brows furrowed. ]

I just wanted all the people I cared about in the same place.

That's all.

And I hate that it's a mistake to want that.

It shouldn't be, no. It should never be a mistake.

[he feels terrible for poe; can't quite imagine how the meal must've gone after that. poor guy... he already has so much on his shoulders without more self-inflicted guilt.]

Maybe one day it won't be.

None of us have the time for "one day".

[ He muttered it lowly, his expression as twisted as his chest felt. ]

No.

[he agrees without hesitation, his own expression carefully neutral.]

But what's there to do if you don't live like maybe you might?

Live like you don't.

[ He raised his eyes up to the camera. ] Live like you have to make the most of every damn moment.

I don't know how to do this, Arch - I don't know how to balance this. He's not a threat to them - at all - and if he was they should know that I'd be the first to take him down. No hesitations. But nothing else has actually made me feel this okay with being here in a long time.

Maybe a bit of both. One could lead to complacency and the other could lead to irrationality.

[he doesn't really know how to do either-- he suspects poe doesn't either. likely most imPorts don't.]

...I don't think reassuring them that you'd be the first in line to pull the trigger will help much. [because jesus christ just casually dropping that in, thinking that if something happened poe would have to murder 622 actively makes him feel a bit sick.] Does it have to be you? If no-one is actively seeking the other out to continue that war, does it... have to happen?

Edited 2018-11-21 20:50 (UTC)

No, it doesn't have to happen - that's what I'm saying. It really doesn't. But I'm sure as hell not letting anyone else do it, if it comes down to it.

But I don't think it will. Whatever Kanan seems to think.

[ He scrubbed his face. ]

He's not going to hurt anyone. So I won't have to.

[there's a pause and he... chews his lip a little.]

Being so insistent on it... sounds a bit like you are expecting something...

[ He just scrubs his face harder!!! ]

Kanan just - got into my damn head about it. That's all.

[ The clones did turn around and kill all the Jedi, after all. But he wasn't about to say that. ]

Sorry. I'm just on edge.

[he frowns but... he won't pick that apart. he doesn't know enough and frankly even if he did he's not sure he'd really want to.]

It's alright. It sounds like it's been a hellish few days. Do you want to come over? Maybe this would be easier if we spoke in person.

I already feel guilty for dumping this all on you already.

[ He sighed. ]

I just.

I know I shouldn't like him, Arch, but I do. And I don't think it is about anything else. I don't want to think about how I'm disappointing or upsetting people just because I...

[ He trailed off, miserably. A very dark thought struck him suddenly: maybe he wouldn't care so much about what everyone else felt about it if he was dead back home, too. If he'd served his time and done his duty.

His stomach twisted. ]

A drink, maybe.

You don't need to. I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't listen to you when you needed to talk.

[he shakes his head.]

Drinking won't help. It'll just make you feel worse. You know alcohol is a depressant? Like, it's not just a coincidence that getting drunk makes you feel shitty. It's literally in the chemical makeup.

[it takes him a moment to respond to the next part-- he's not really sure how to.]

I don't know if you shouldn't. Frankly there is some degree to which how they feel about it just straight up doesn't matter. You're a grown ass man and you can make your own choices, even if other people think they're the wrong ones.

At least I could feel worse about something else. [ But it wasn't a strong argument and he didn't pretend that it was. ]

Yeah, but what if it is the wrong one. [ His voice got quieter. ] What if everyone else is right and it's destined to just - spectacularly fail.

[that's... not how it works, he's pretty sure, but he doesn't comment on it.]

That's... just life, y'know? No-one can ever know if a choice they're making is the right one in advance. Maybe you're right and everyone else is wrong.

[ Poe sighed. ]

Yeah.

Sorry.

Life was a lot less complicated back home.

Protect civilians, shoot bad guys, go home.

[ He frowned. ]

Just having a really hard time finding arguments that 622 should fall into the 'bad guy' category particularly convincing.

[wouldn't be having this problem if it wasn't for all the stuff back home, he thinks. complicated in its own way.]

You know him better than most people here, though, don't you?

Yeah. I do.

[ Maybe he should have hesitated on that - maybe it was a little arrogant to assume that- but he did. Akobi and Rex might beat him out but that's still more than most. ]

And I don't think he is a bad guy. Does my blood boil every time I think about the way he was raised and the bullshit he's had to go through? Yeah, of course it does. But that's not him.

Edited 2018-11-22 01:45 (UTC)

Other people are always gonna feel differently. If he's part of something that hurt the others so bad they can't see through it, then no amount of showing them otherwise could change their minds. That's just... they can feel that way, y'know? Especially when there's heavy trauma involved.

[he shrugs.]

You have each other. Maybe that'll just have to be enough for the time being.

Yeah. [ His shoulders kind of sink and he looks off, obviously thinking about something. ]

... They're just my family, you know? They are.

I don't like the implication that I have to chose.

It's early days yet, right?

That's why I don't like it.

[ But he feels like he's talking in circles. ]

I think I just need to - go take a flight or something. Get some air.

Yeah. Sorry, Poe. Let me know how you're doing once you've done that?

I'll be fine, Arch.

I might just fly over to 622's place. He tends to have a clearer picture of what's going on than I do, half the time.

[ Even if it was wrong, it was at least clear. But really, he was thinking that maybe getting to actually spend some time with 622 without having his family staring him down might cheer him up. ]

I can't imagine seeing someone that makes you feel good when you feel shitty would be a bad idea.

[he wonders how 622 found thanksgiving. it really hadn't kicked off before he'd left.]

Do what you gotta do. Both of you got the freedom to do that here, aye?

Yeah.

[ The word doesn't sound all that confident, but as he continues, he gets firmer: ]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to do that. While we're both still here, right?

[ A pause, he wets his lips. ]

... Thanks, Arch. For letting me rant.

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