I dunno. Lately I feel like things have been growing more and more distant between myself and the people I care about. You, Lucina...I feel like I'm standing on the outside of this bubble and I'm looking in and I can't get through this transparent barrier...
At first I thought it was because I was sent home and came back..well, different. More experienced. Now I don't know what it is. I just feel like the outlier...
[He sighs and pushes himself to his feet, making his way to a box with some of his personal effects in it.]
A-Anyway...don't worry about that. Like I said, I'm sorry about Lance. I know he and Guzma might have an even more violent history than Guzma and I have but...I guess I was just put off by the fact that he was letting that grudge cloud his judgment. He had no intention of helping Guzma or the people he was hurting. He acted like Guzma deserved to be taken over by Nihilego and that...that just wasn't right to me.
[you dumbass of course he's going to worry about that]
Huh? Why with me? [he frowns the line of thought off.] It's fine-- he had his reasons. At least he went off to stop Ultra Beasts around Maurtia Falls, didn't he?
[leaning back again, archie exhales.]
If it's all the same to you, I'd rather not talk too deeply about the concept of possession.
It's just...I dunno. Things have been strained since that one conversation we had regarding Guzma. I feel like maybe I was just...I dunno. Like I was losing something.
It's hard to explain. All I know is that I've done a stellar job in my first week as co-commander. [That last line couldn't be more sarcastic.]
I don't know if I'm even doing the right thing. Butting heads with Lance, losing myself and transforming and doing all that collateral damage...
[He reaches into the box and pulls out a framed photo of him and Allura he planned on keeping on his desk.]
...Have you been by to see Lucina and Guzma? Are they doing okay?
It was a rough time all around, Darin. People go through shit and withdraw and they can't vocalise it or maybe don't want to vocalise it to you. It's nothing personal. You don't have to be everyone's hero and everyone's confidant. Hell, during that time I didn't even want to be saved; I was perfectly happy sinking further and further into a shitty bog of bad choices.
[or... well, he wasn't, but he did it anyway.]
They're... them. Lucina shoulderin' all responsibility and pushin' herself too far as usual, Guzma being an insufferable cockhole as usual. [he shrugs.] 'Sides, you're hardly the only one present that royally fucked up in that seat. I basically argued with everyone and almost got into an actual slapfight with Akobi my first time.
I know that but that's the problem with having the sense of perspective to empathize with anyone...you just...want to. I'm not mad or...or upset or anything I just hate feeling helpless. Like my hands are tied. If I'm not doing something...
[He sighs and heads back to his desk. He slumps in his seat and picks up a coin that he'd been messing with on his desk. He rolls it across his knuckles idly, and as he does so, a crackle of blue energy changes the coin into a metal ball. Then back into a coin. Then into a small bullet. Then back into a ball again. Then finally a coin again. The precision was growing greater and greater as he moves his hand, but it's clear he's not even paying attention to it.]
Yeah...I know. But with how enthusiastically I was nominated, I can't help but feel I'm letting people down. I haven't even faced Allura yet, but only because I know she'll find someway to make me feel better about all of this and...
I dunno. Maybe it sounds weird, but I want to let myself be disappointed in myself for a bit. Back when it was just me...I'd take that and turn it into motivation.
[He snorts, biting back a laugh.]
You might be the only person I know who'd let me kick myself for a little bit, which is why I think you're the only one I could call now. No offense.
Welcome to being human. I'm pretty sure that's how we all feel when we know our friends are goin' through shit. I guess this is the first time you've let yourself be close enough to people to feel that, huh?
[he watches the show for a little while, ruminating.]
None taken. A little bit of kickin' goes a long way.
Yeah, how dare everyone be so godsdamned supportive around here. Right now I just wanna be pissed at myself and eat junk food.
[He flips the coin back onto the desk, changing it one last time into an arrowhead that thunks satisfyingly onto the wood.]
But...you're right. It's why I guess I'm always up everyone's collective asses.
The sad thing is, I know I can't save everyone, but I get frustrated when I don't at least do something. Then again...maybe that's why you guys put me in charge here in the first place.
[Darin happily scoops up another slice of pizza, then reaches into one of the drawers of his desk and procures a bottle of whiskey. He sends a pulse through the bottle, chilling it, then pops the cork and takes a sip. When he's done, he holds the bottle out to Archie in offering.]
[He's getting pretty good with that magic of his.]
It's possible to over-empathise, and when you do that you ignore yourself. On purpose or by accident.
[he would know, considering he does the same shit.]
You gotta work out a balance between accepting that you can't do anything or just doing what you can, even if it's not enough. Sometimes you just have to accept that the kind of help someone needs... you can't give. But that doesn't mean what you do give them means any less.
[he takes the bottle, eyebrows raised slightly.]
There's always something to do. Don't forget that. There's always something, even if it's just as small as sending 'em a text to let 'em know you're thinkin' of 'em.
I don't think it's about growing too fast... I think you just expect too much of yourself.
[he shrugs, taking a pull off the drink.]
Are you trying to be Darin the hero, or just Darin? Because you can be both. It's not about solving everyone's problems or constantly working to make the world better. You don't have to do everything.
'Darin the Hero' doesn't exist. Please, there's way more people worthy of a hero title than I am.
The thing is, while I understand I don't have to do everything, most people do nothing. What I do needs to extend outside of my immediate sphere. Only then can it help others and inspire change.
[...all this time and he still can't accept that? guess it kind of defeats the purpose to do so...]
Of course. [and he means that; he'd never try to stop darin doing what he felt was right. archie's just concerned about him hurting himself.] ...You know, for the record, you weren't bein' selfish asking me to come visit. You don't gotta beat yourself up for that.
'Course I was. It's late and you were hurt at the scene of the incident too. I read the reports.
And, like I said...I know things have been a bit....strained between us lately. It's not that I think you wouldn't come. You're too good for that.
I was just...I dunno.
All this time I tried to help you, I realize now I was throwing platitudes at you when you all you really wanted was to just be mad at yourself. And...that's valid. Being mad at yourself for something, whether it was out of your control or not, is cathartic. It's easier to aim your anger inward than to point it at the people you care about.
That's...why I called you. I knew you'd just...let me be mad at myself and work through it while keeping me from going too deep. S'what you've always done best. You're like a regulator on scuba equipment. You keep us from drifting too deep that we can't reach air.
It's difficult to know where to point it a lot of the time. What's going to work or what's just going to make it worse, especially when it's about something you can't do dick all about. The things that have no solutions.
You know... however I feel about this world, it's not really the people in it that make me dislike it. Other than those villainous fuckers. It's not like this sort of thing is gonna make me feel negatively towards you or hate this world more. I guess... I'm sorry I'm always saying it all the time? I don't know. I'm not sayin' it because I want to make you feel bad about how you feel about it. It's some of that directionless anger that got no fuckin' where to go so it just goes... everywhere.
I know. And I guess I just feel bad that I've had better luck? Like...you deserve happiness, Arch. You're one of the people I would argue deserve it the most. And I guess when I hear you lament about the state of things...
I don't feel bad because I like it here. I feel bad because I think you deserve a good turn. To not have something taken away for once. That's all.
[hmm feels kinda guilty about all those times he wanted to quit and also his plans to quit after atropos is dealt with, assuming they're all still alive. bummer!]
Yeah, well, if nothin' else I wanna help see Jacob's mission through. We owe him and Kanaya that much.
...I think when this is all said and done, I want to put up a wall in the lobby.
For Aegis members that have since left and gone home to their normal lives. A place of honor.
And I'd like to put up a plinth of Jacob. He started all of this. Not only that, he's earned his happy ending. He deserves to be remembered for his service here.
I talked about somethin' like that with him when I went to tell him Kanaya was gone, speakin' of the lass. He reckoned it was a good idea then, I'm sure he'd think it was a good idea now.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I dunno. Lately I feel like things have been growing more and more distant between myself and the people I care about. You, Lucina...I feel like I'm standing on the outside of this bubble and I'm looking in and I can't get through this transparent barrier...
At first I thought it was because I was sent home and came back..well, different. More experienced. Now I don't know what it is. I just feel like the outlier...
[He sighs and pushes himself to his feet, making his way to a box with some of his personal effects in it.]
A-Anyway...don't worry about that. Like I said, I'm sorry about Lance. I know he and Guzma might have an even more violent history than Guzma and I have but...I guess I was just put off by the fact that he was letting that grudge cloud his judgment. He had no intention of helping Guzma or the people he was hurting. He acted like Guzma deserved to be taken over by Nihilego and that...that just wasn't right to me.
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Huh? Why with me? [he frowns the line of thought off.] It's fine-- he had his reasons. At least he went off to stop Ultra Beasts around Maurtia Falls, didn't he?
[leaning back again, archie exhales.]
If it's all the same to you, I'd rather not talk too deeply about the concept of possession.
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It's just...I dunno. Things have been strained since that one conversation we had regarding Guzma. I feel like maybe I was just...I dunno. Like I was losing something.
It's hard to explain. All I know is that I've done a stellar job in my first week as co-commander. [That last line couldn't be more sarcastic.]
I don't know if I'm even doing the right thing. Butting heads with Lance, losing myself and transforming and doing all that collateral damage...
[He reaches into the box and pulls out a framed photo of him and Allura he planned on keeping on his desk.]
...Have you been by to see Lucina and Guzma? Are they doing okay?
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[or... well, he wasn't, but he did it anyway.]
They're... them. Lucina shoulderin' all responsibility and pushin' herself too far as usual, Guzma being an insufferable cockhole as usual. [he shrugs.] 'Sides, you're hardly the only one present that royally fucked up in that seat. I basically argued with everyone and almost got into an actual slapfight with Akobi my first time.
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[He sighs and heads back to his desk. He slumps in his seat and picks up a coin that he'd been messing with on his desk. He rolls it across his knuckles idly, and as he does so, a crackle of blue energy changes the coin into a metal ball. Then back into a coin. Then into a small bullet. Then back into a ball again. Then finally a coin again. The precision was growing greater and greater as he moves his hand, but it's clear he's not even paying attention to it.]
Yeah...I know. But with how enthusiastically I was nominated, I can't help but feel I'm letting people down. I haven't even faced Allura yet, but only because I know she'll find someway to make me feel better about all of this and...
I dunno. Maybe it sounds weird, but I want to let myself be disappointed in myself for a bit. Back when it was just me...I'd take that and turn it into motivation.
[He snorts, biting back a laugh.]
You might be the only person I know who'd let me kick myself for a little bit, which is why I think you're the only one I could call now. No offense.
[He means it.]
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[he watches the show for a little while, ruminating.]
None taken. A little bit of kickin' goes a long way.
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[He flips the coin back onto the desk, changing it one last time into an arrowhead that thunks satisfyingly onto the wood.]
But...you're right. It's why I guess I'm always up everyone's collective asses.
The sad thing is, I know I can't save everyone, but I get frustrated when I don't at least do something. Then again...maybe that's why you guys put me in charge here in the first place.
[Darin happily scoops up another slice of pizza, then reaches into one of the drawers of his desk and procures a bottle of whiskey. He sends a pulse through the bottle, chilling it, then pops the cork and takes a sip. When he's done, he holds the bottle out to Archie in offering.]
[He's getting pretty good with that magic of his.]
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[he would know, considering he does the same shit.]
You gotta work out a balance between accepting that you can't do anything or just doing what you can, even if it's not enough. Sometimes you just have to accept that the kind of help someone needs... you can't give. But that doesn't mean what you do give them means any less.
[he takes the bottle, eyebrows raised slightly.]
There's always something to do. Don't forget that. There's always something, even if it's just as small as sending 'em a text to let 'em know you're thinkin' of 'em.
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...You know. It's pretty easy to forget the little acts of kindness when you're so dead set on broad strokes of heroism.
You're right. I should look to get back to my roots. Public works projects like Vigil Park in Nonah...
[As he talks, he can't help but find himself smiling.]
...I guess I grew too fast and forgot where I got started, in a sense.
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[he shrugs, taking a pull off the drink.]
Are you trying to be Darin the hero, or just Darin? Because you can be both. It's not about solving everyone's problems or constantly working to make the world better. You don't have to do everything.
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The thing is, while I understand I don't have to do everything, most people do nothing. What I do needs to extend outside of my immediate sphere. Only then can it help others and inspire change.
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Of course. [and he means that; he'd never try to stop darin doing what he felt was right. archie's just concerned about him hurting himself.] ...You know, for the record, you weren't bein' selfish asking me to come visit. You don't gotta beat yourself up for that.
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And, like I said...I know things have been a bit....strained between us lately. It's not that I think you wouldn't come. You're too good for that.
I was just...I dunno.
All this time I tried to help you, I realize now I was throwing platitudes at you when you all you really wanted was to just be mad at yourself. And...that's valid. Being mad at yourself for something, whether it was out of your control or not, is cathartic. It's easier to aim your anger inward than to point it at the people you care about.
That's...why I called you. I knew you'd just...let me be mad at myself and work through it while keeping me from going too deep. S'what you've always done best. You're like a regulator on scuba equipment. You keep us from drifting too deep that we can't reach air.
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[he shrugs, leaning back.]
It's difficult to know where to point it a lot of the time. What's going to work or what's just going to make it worse, especially when it's about something you can't do dick all about. The things that have no solutions.
You know... however I feel about this world, it's not really the people in it that make me dislike it. Other than those villainous fuckers. It's not like this sort of thing is gonna make me feel negatively towards you or hate this world more. I guess... I'm sorry I'm always saying it all the time? I don't know. I'm not sayin' it because I want to make you feel bad about how you feel about it. It's some of that directionless anger that got no fuckin' where to go so it just goes... everywhere.
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I don't feel bad because I like it here. I feel bad because I think you deserve a good turn. To not have something taken away for once. That's all.
You don't make me feel bad.
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I'll be fine, one way or another.
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...I'm glad you're here. As a part of Aegis too.
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Yeah, well, if nothin' else I wanna help see Jacob's mission through. We owe him and Kanaya that much.
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For Aegis members that have since left and gone home to their normal lives. A place of honor.
And I'd like to put up a plinth of Jacob. He started all of this. Not only that, he's earned his happy ending. He deserves to be remembered for his service here.
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I talked about somethin' like that with him when I went to tell him Kanaya was gone, speakin' of the lass. He reckoned it was a good idea then, I'm sure he'd think it was a good idea now.
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Then I think I'll talk to Ash and start pushing the project through.
I think we need something to celebrate for once.
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[a beat. he rubs his beard.]
Akobi went back to... bein' dead. I guess.