h2no | IC contact

I LIKE DON'T EVEN KNOW THE GUY I'VE KNOWN HIM FOR LIKE ONE CONVERSATION UHGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GOD JEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
He's just really cool and super out of my league.
And I have a crush on everyone who is really cool and super out of my league. I probably had a crush on you at some point, too, before I realized you weren't actually very cool.
I'm basically like a baby duckling that imprints on its parent, but my parent is everyone I meet, and I imprint on them in like a sexy way.

FUCK YOU I'M COOL!!! I KNOW HIM FAIRLY WELL. I THINK YOU TWO WOULD WORK WELL TOGETHER I'M JUST SAYING

Really? I don't know. Really? Jeez. I don't know. He's so cool. I'm not cool. I pretend to be cool and make up all this cool stuff but he seems actually legit 100% cool. That's everyone, though. Everyone's so cool. Then there's me. Uncool Odin, they used to call me. Well, Uncool Owain. That's my name. Did I tell you my real name yet? I guess this is a weird way to drop it. There it is. Uncool Owain, they used to call me. Not really, though, because nobody ever called me that, but. They may as well have.

Don't tell him anything about this conversation or whatever but you can call me cool and lie a lot about me to make him make me his friend if you want I guess.
You can do that with everyone you think I would be good with, because I'm super duper lonely, dude. Just super dupes lonely supreme.

YOU ARE COOL YOU CAN DO MAGIC AND SHIT!!! AND YOU HELPED SAVE THE WORLD, THAT IS LITERALLY THE COOLEST THING YOU CAN DO. WOULD YOU RATHER BE CALLED OWAIN OR ODIN?? ALSO I WON'T BUT I'M JUST SAYIN I THINK YOU TWO WOULD BE AWESOME TOGETHER.

Archie!! Colon open parentheses
I really appreciate everything you're saying, but there's no way I can agree with any of it. I'm too entrenched in years of self-doubt and cool, heroic hate towards the garbage human person I see myself as. You gotta stop, bro!! I'M EQUAL PARTS HAPPY TO KNOW YOU, EMBARRASSED AND HEARTWARMED, AND FULL OF AN ACHING DESPAIR THAT ECHOES DEEP WITHIN MY SHITTY DUMB CHEST.
But thank you. Seriously. Nobody says nice stuff like that about me. Semi colon underscore semi colon

That's kind of a big question. Can I have some time to think about it?
Wait, wait. I've decided.
Owain in private and Odin in public? I don't want anyone to know my real name if I can avoid it, but, like. You're you.

PS:
PFFFHSFHSFHSHSHFFSSFHFHSSF MAYBE YOU AND MAGNUS SHOULD GET MARRIED IT SOUNDS LIKE MAGNUS IS THE BOY YOU LOVE ACTUALLY YOU LOVE HIM SOOOOOOO MUCH MY NAME IS ARCHIE AND I WANNA KISS KISS KISS MAGNUS EVERY WHICH WAY ALL THE TIME ON ALL DAYS EVERY DAY MONDAY AND TUESDAY AND WEDNESDAY AND THE REST JUST KISS KISS KISS KISS KISS

THAT'S FINE, I UNDERSTAND. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY I'M ME, IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO USE IT AT ALL I WON'T. I JUST WANNA KNOW THE DEAL. LOOK, I LIKE MAGNUS A LOT, BUT IT'S PURELY PLATONIC. I'M TOO HUNG UP ON MY BEST BRO TO LIKE. HAVE ANYTHING SERIOUS WITH ANYONE HERE. IT'S THE WAY THINGS ARE.

I'm not saying you're you just to, like, say that, or-- I fucked up!!!!!!! I didn't communicate my feelings properly!!! STRIKE ME DOWN WHERE I STAND, MIGHTY THOR!!!
I've opened up to you more than I have anyone here! I don't mind you calling me Owain, but, like, I don't trust anyone else like that yet. That's all I meant! You're, like. I don't know. Close to me? Are we close? Did I misinterpret that? Is that an awkward question to ask? Disregard all of this. Let me start again, with an air of stoic, affable coolness. Ahehem.
I guess it'll actually feel a little weird to hear the name Owain again. I haven't used that for years. Only two people in Nohr even know it.
Maybe just call me Odin until it feels, like. I don't know. Appropriate. Maybe? But I don't mind you knowing my name. I pretended to tell you it with a cool, affable stoic air, but it's actually been on my mind since you slept over.
Life is hard and confusing.

But yeah, I understand. You know what's hard and confusing? Other than life? That's right. It's feelings.
I don't wanna bring you down, or say the wrong thing again, but,
Much like life and feelings, relationships are also hard and confusing.

YOU HAVE TOLD ME EVERYTHING STOICALLY AND WITH A REALLY COOL AIR. YOUR CAPE WAS ALSO BLOWING DRAMATICALLY IN THE WIND. YOU DIDN'T MISINTERPRET ANYTHING. I'M GLAD WE'RE GOOD FRIENDS THE WAY WE ARE. FEELINGS ARE VERY HARD AND ODIN YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND I WOULD LITERALLY DO ANYTHING FOR MATT, BUT I MIGHT HAVE SOME SCRUPLES WITH MAGNUS. ODIN. I LOVE MATT SO MUCH I WOULDN'T EVEN HESITATE TO QUIT MY JOBS AND DO ANYTHING HE WANTED. ODIN. I'M IN PHYSICAL PAIN THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM AND MISS HIM. FUCK. I'M GOING TO PUT IT THE WAY I THINK YOU WOULD: MY LOVE IS DEEPER THAN THE SEA. SALT KIND OF STINGS WHEN YOU GET IT IN YOUR EYEBALLS AND IN CUTS SO LIKE I FEEL LIKE HIM NOT BEING HERE IS A BUNCH OF SALT DUMPED INTO MY OPEN WOUNDS AND ALSO CROWS ARE CAWING BUT WHAT'S THIS?? THEY'RE LAUGHING!!!!!!! AT ME!! BECUASE I WAS FOOLISH ENOUGH TO FEEL A FEELING AND ALSO ODIN I FUCKED UP I HURT HIM ODIN I FUCKED UP SO BAD I THINK IF HE EVER SAW ME AGAIN HE MIGHT HATE ME AND I'M STUCK IN THE FREEZING OCEAN AT THE BOTTOM UNDER THE WEIGHT OF HOW BADLY I FUCKED UP AND WHAT IF HE DOESN'T LOVE ME ODIN

I'M DROWNING ODIN

God, I love my cape so much.
But me too. It's hard for me to make friends. I'm really glad I found one.
You can be the best man at my wedding, should I successfully con someone into having one with me.

[ Odin doesn't say anything after that, because soon Archie's talking about Matt and it's getting real and all he knows is that he has to be there, there's something black and cold and scary stuck in Archie's head and Odin's gotta be there to help him vent it out. so... he packs up his shit, rushes right on over, showing up on Archie's doorstep fuuuucking exhausted after running as fast as he could. he's dragging in air like he's never had any before, and only five, maybe ten minutes have passed since he left, but he's got himself panicking. ]

Archie? Archie!! Archie!!! I'm sorry I didn't say I was coming over or answer your message but I came right over and I hope that's okay but now I'm worried you thought I wasn't answering you on purpose but I wasn't doing anything like that I was just really focused on coming over!!

[archie doesn't answer because guess what?? he's crying in the living room. he's being a fuckin' baby.

buuut. the door is unlocked.]

[ odin keeps hitting on the door for, well. a little too long for a smart person to keep hitting on the door without either giving up or trying another option, but. eventually he does try the door and nervously heads inside, following the sad sobs of a big beefy pirate and finding his buddy in the living room. odin's not sure what to do, at first, and he just stands there awkwardly, watching archie and feeling like the biggest most worthless piece of shit imaginable, despite the logical voice in his head trying to reason with him and convince him that this has nothing to do with him and he did nothing wrong.

eventually he just sort of slinks over and slides into the seat next to archie's, anxiously trying to find the right words. when they don't come to him, he just

pulls archie close for a hug. it's all he can think to do. he figures may leaving must have had something to do with archie feeling so raw right now. losing people sucks and there are never any words to make it better.

happy sparkle odin icon: not representative of his feelings ]

[WAUUGH AUHGHGH WHO'S THE BIGGEST BABY ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET?? it's archie. it's archie, who is currently crying like a little baby instead of dealing with his stupid problems.

he doesn't fight against odin or anything, he just ends up in odin's arms like a limp fish, a limp and sobbing fish.]

[ crying is good!! man oh man is crying ever good. odin doesn't mind at all, you can wet his stupid ugly clothes with your sad gay fish tears as much as you want. he still doesn't say anything, he just moves to hug archie all the tighter and pats him on the back and strokes his hair and lets the stupid old man get it all out. then it turns out he can't stop himself from talking even when he knows being quiet is the best thing for him to be doing right now. ]

C-Can I get you anything? Do you just wanna do this for a while? We can just do this. Or I can get-- blankets? That weird coffee you like? Mightyena? Should I call anyone? Do you want to talk about your feelings? If not now, would you like to at any point? Do you want me to stay the night so we can talk about our feelings when it's dark and we're tired and it's less confronting and scary than talking during the day when the world is all noisy? Or-- fuck. Sorry.

[ more hugs. he can hug. he's good at hugs. ]

[he keeps sobbing into odin for a good ten minutes, not answering, just letting out all his horrible feelings about matt out in tears and all over odin's shoulder. awful.

eventually, he's good to talk again. kind of.]

Fuck, I'm sorry, I just -- [NOPE THERE HE GOES AGAIN.]

[ in those ten minutes, odin starts to get more and more nervous, which leads to more and more babbling of inane and super ignored suggestions. he keeps trying to think of ways to help archie, and when he can't come up with them, he gets nervous and upset, and he just squeezes his friend all the tighter and hugs him all the more. he's. sort of. teary himself when archie tries to speak, and despite, again, being empathetic enough to realize that archie just needs to cry this out and that he himself hasn't done anything wrong and that helping people is pretty much what he does best and he should just trust his instincts here, he still JUST WANTS TO DO MORE AND HE'S GETTING UPSET THAT HE CAN'T AAAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. ]

N-No! Eaararagggh!! It's okay!!!! Keep it up! You're doing good!!! CRY IT OUT, BIG GUY. [ SNIFFLE. ]

M'fine. [ALSO SNIFFLE.] I'm fine.

[A DEEP MISERABLE SIGH. and a gross sniff eugh.]

It's a... world end-y thing. That the problem is.

Oh... well. I'm really good to talk to about that kind of thing. You can talk to me about world end-y problems! Whether you're fine or just pretending to be.

[ odin nods, and he breathes a sigh of relief, because as hard as it is for him to think about certain things, he's found it pretty easy to seperate his own end-of-the-world experiences with other people's so far and this is something he can do to help. finally. ]

It's-- so. This guy. The end of the world. Related. Sort of. Yeah? You were both on the same team...?

Yeah. I guess I manipulated him into believin' what we were doing.

[...does matt even like archie or is that what he's made him think? has archie convinced himself he loves him to avoid facing what he's really done? that maybe he can use the fact he loves matt as a fall back? the thought disturbs him and he falls silent for a moment.]

I think... what I told you was deluded.

What? That can't...

[ well, actually, he can't really say "that can't be true", because as much as Odin believes Archie is an honest and amazing person, he wasn't there when things were bad. maybe archie HAS done some terrible things in the past, and just because odin thinks he's a wonderful human being now doesn't necessarily mean that was always the case for archie. odin doesn't believe it for a second, but maybe archie really did manipulate this poor matt guy, and this was a confession rather than empty words born of fear and heartbreak and self-doubt. blindly digging his boots in and screaming that archie would never screw with someone's head like that seems like the wrong thing to do. he needs more information. ]

Why d'you think that? Are you and he not, um. [ together? happy? fuck, how can he even ask that, of course archie isn't happy. he's all but bleeding unhappiness. ]

Did he say that to you...? That you manipulated him? Or - or is there something else going on?

No. He never said it. I just... it's what happened.

[he groans, ducking his head down.]

I don't know why they all fuckin' believe me... Matt was-- yeah, he made his own choices, but I dunno. I don't know what he would really think. He went off on his own when I was stopped because I never told him properly how much our relationship meant and he thought I thought he wasn't good enough.

[TEARS WELL UP AGAIN!!]

And now I can't tell him! Because I'm fucking stuck fucking here forever! Fuck!

[he kicks the coffee table in anger, sending it skidding a little way back on the carpet and knocking a few things off.]

You can't trust your own eyes when it comes to this kind of thing, man. You're hurting so damn much, there's no way you can see clearly. If someone I loved hurt me the way you think you've hurt Matt, I... I dunno. I don't think I'd be able to hold a grudge against them. Not forever. If he believed in you so much that he fell apart for you, that has to mean something, right? Even if you can't tell him you're sorry that love he had for you still has to be there. Love doesn't just go away! A-And. I don't know him or anything, but I bet he'd be heartbroken if he thought he was putting you through this.

[ odin flinches when Archie kicks the table, but he doesn't say anything. just watches it go. ]

Listen-- listen. I know it's not fair for me to tell you to pin your hopes on going home, or-- or say that he might come here, but-- but you might still see him again. It's a revolving door here, man, and I know-- I know hope isn't enough. Everyone says that hope can hold you through the darkest times of your life, but it can't, not when you're hurting this bad. But. But!! You can't just accept that things are over, okay? It's not gonna be over until you're dragged into death kicking and screaming. So-- don't think that it is!! Don't give up on seeing him again until you're breathing your last. Think about what you'll say to him just in case you can! It's important, and it's totally gonna happen, so you gotta think it through and you've gotta get it done and you can't screw it up!!

[he drops his head into his hands and groans, falling back into the couch.]

Fucking-- shit. Sorry. [look he's only human and sometimes it's too much and he has a rage baby tantrum.] I didn't mean to--

[he stops talking, listening to odin. deep down, the knows that what he's doing is entirely ignoring matt's own agency and extremely selfish. how can he do this? how can he just assume how matt and shelly feel and project his own feelings onto them. god. he's such a shithead.]

I'd say... sorry, and that I love him so much it makes me hate myself less.

It's okay. Don't apologize. My skin's not so thin that I can't handle my sad friend kicking a dumb table.

[ he kicks the table to hammer in his point. fucking table, go suck a bub. he shuffles back in his seat, then, leaning back and resting his head on archie's shoulder and staring vacantly off towards the distant side of the room. poor sad short boy. he feels shitty for thinking it, because he knows it's the kind of selfish, privileged thinking only a person who hasn't experienced this kind of heartache before would think, but - a small part of odin wishes he was loved by someone as much as archie loves matt. he doesn't think he's capable of being loved at all, though, let alone at such a level. ]

I think you'll see him again. But even if you don't - I don't want you to drown in this. Do you think, uh... do you think you could do me a favor and talk to me again? In the future? Whenever you're sad? I mean -- whenever you're sad, even if it hasn't gotten to a point where you're so sad you're breaking down about it? If you're just bummed and it's starting to build up a bit, do you think you could send me a message and ask me to come over or something? 'Cause I wanna be here for that.

[hey?? hey?? if archie ever finds out that's how odin feels he's going to get one hell of a haranguing. fuck you, large muscle boy. everyone loves you.

he sighs miserably and lets odin lean on him. his first instinct is a little to shove him off and go have a tantrum and break more things but he wouldn't-- can't do that to odin.]

Yeah. Sorry, I don't mean to keep puttin' this on you. We've known each other for like 2 days.

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